Dave’s ¿Truths?

As noted with ¿Truths? Part 1, I am choosing to offer these thoughts simply to encourage growth. I submit them simply for self-study as an example of one person’s searching — such self-study is a very powerful way to come to know yourself. The list of these truths is long and I will submit it over a number of blogs, 25-30 brief statements per posting.

As previously noted, a comment on language: I am not an advocate of scientific materialism, the philosophic ontology that only science can address truth, and that energy-matter is the only domain of experience in the universe. I value scientific methodology highly, but the overall terminology of scientific materialism has many hidden presuppositions. As much as possible, I will identify them in these posts.

(134 — Continuing from previous) Changing my language may radically change my life!!

(135) Much of my reactivity is sustained by five common expressions (or their euphemisms): “I should,” “I don’t know,” “I can’t,” “I’ll try,” and “maybe.”

(136) Maybe (!); do I want to? My energy goes to what I want, not what I should (‘should’ activates that part of me that says “I don’t want to!”)

I have choice! I need to choose! I should choose!! Maybe!! I don’t know if I can!! I can’t!! But I’ll try.

(137) As applied to the external world, there are many things I don’t know, and there are a lot of things about which I know only a little.

However, most of the time when I say “I don’t know,” I am referring to my inner thoughts or experience, and when “I don’t know,” I stop thinking about the subject.

If I don’t know what is happening to me, no one else does either! And no one else can determine what is happening to me—it is my responsibility to know myself!

If I want power/strength/freedom/wisdom, it is also essential that I know myself! I know of no other way to obtain these.

(138) With rare exceptions, the word “can’t” is a misnomer; what I am really saying is that, if I were to do the action (which I most likely can), then I would … (be afraid, be hurt, be angry, lose money, etc.) and I don’t want this outcome.

I “won’t” is a more accurate word for this choice.

(139) “I’ll try” is also a misnomer in that it frequently becomes an excuse for ‘not doing.’

If I have never done something before, my attempt is an experiment and still a ‘doing;’ I may not succeed at my expectation, and yet still gain valuable feedback in my attempt.

If I have done the task before, even without success, I know what to expect (perhaps how difficult the task is). ‘Trying’ (without proper preparation and action) is an excuse.

(140) “Maybe” as applied to my inner world simply means I am too lazy to take the time to know myself! And also I disconnect from my own authentic experience, my truth-testing.

An experiment: Say out loud “Today maybe I will (action — some action to be done [walk to work, eat an apple, . . .]).” Then say “Today I will (action).” Feel the difference created by maybe!

“Maybe” as applied to the external world again means I am too lazy, perhaps not willing to take time to know myself, or more commonly not willing to be engaged in commitment.

Neither lead to effectiveness in my life.

(141) If I give attention to my actual experience, I can know myself!

(142) My relationships with others are based on:

• being authentic (showing the other who I am), and
• keeping my commitments (doing what I say I will do).

(143) Living in this manner takes much time and effort.

(144) I do not make commitments lightly. As much as possible, I attempt to be very clear as to what I am committing.

(145) I can only keep commitments when I know the terms by which I may break my commitment.

Often my commitments have time limits, or some other way for negotiation of conflicts.

(146) Commitments require a vision, a purpose to which I am committed. Big purposes require more commitment, and are also more validating of my being, my sense of belonging and of valuing myself and the universe.

(147) When I interact with another, when I show the other who I am, when I give voice to who I am, the message that is received by the other is often different from the message that I intend.

This is a major source of difficulty in my relationships, in my authenticity, especially when I assume that the other has received what I have intended.

(148) A partial truth, especially true in persisting relationships, is that the message received is the message given!

Messages between persons are incredibly complex. Communication depends on the present content, the way in which the message is given, and the filters of both giver and recipient (which in turn are influenced by the past experience in the relationship, and in all previous relationships!)

Human communication is frequently miscommunication, especially when emotionally laden!

(149) Communication is complex!

“I believe you understand what you think I said but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I said.”

(150) Equally true (and harder to recognize):

“I believe that you understand what I said but I’m not sure you realize that what I said is not what I meant or what you think I meant.”

(151) Consider also:

“I believe you understand what you think I said but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I said.”

Voice tone and inflection can be incredibly important!

(152) How do I know what to say?

First I need to be able to know what I am experiencing. And I need to know my values, my significant beliefs. Then I need to be able to compare all this with what the other is experiencing. Highly complex.

Amazingly, I learned how to do this simultaneous with the development of language, while dealing with the subtle craziness of family and culture!

Wow!! Enough to drive one (or me) crazy!

(153) If I have given the same message more than twice, the other either cannot, should not, or will not hear.

If I don’t recognize this, I’m sending the wrong message myself.

(154) When you don’t know what to do, do it slowly.

(155) I live in an environment, an environment of other people, all of whom are also attempting to live in ways that keep them safe, if not joyous.

(156) Other people are mirrors for me; it is from others that I learn to see myself. I need to know the authentic experience of others so as to see myself more clearly.

To do this effectively, I need ways of sorting the information I get from others. What is authentic experience? Who/what do I trust?

(157) You are the ultimate Mystery to me. I cannot possibly understand you—I am not you.

What I can do is make meaning of who you are (my story) and then be an ‘I’ and a ‘Thou? with you—a distorted mirror for us to experience each other and learn from what we are experiencing.

(158) There are skills to observing the message being received, often called “calibration” of the response—also known as “body language.”

The message received creates biologically observable and consistent responses, changes in skin color, body stance, and many other changes, long before a verbal response occurs.

The same is true of the message sent.

(159) These biological responses are available to each of us: your responses are observable by me, and my responses are also observable by me. They form the basis of my truth-testing.

(160) Part of the difficulty of communication is that the verbal response is often different from the calibration response, a so-called double message.

Confusing! Valuable at times also!

(161) Calibration can also be used to check the message being sent!

(162) Given the complexity of communication, why bother telling others how I feel?

Essentially to be honest with myself, and to define my self [sic]!! When I do this, I like myself better! and I develop my inner strength!

To be continued.