Comment: Having established safety for all, the next most important aspect is to distinguish whether the issue is me, or my relationship with others. And then get on with resolving the issues.

MacQuarrie Email Program #26 — The Message of Your Anger

In the previous emails, I dealt with Safety and Energy. Here we will explore The Message and The Conflict, again so as to develop personal power.

The process of Blowing Out works in that I can reliably move from a full pot of energy to that of a relatively empty pot having three characteristics:

1. I can feel safe (accessing choice),
2. I can think more clearly (choice), and
3. I can make a significant distinction between what is happening within me, and what is happening outside me with other people (the choice to resolve conflict).

It is not an instantaneous process — it requires time, but not a lot of time. And there are two critical choices to be made. The first is simply that of choosing a time-out. In the heat of the moment, it likely requires 2-3 seconds to make this choice. My experience is that, regardless of how overwhelmed you have been in the past, you can create this time period using the Checkbox of Change. This then allows the Blowing Out process to continue to resolution.

At this point, please re-read Email #08 The Blowing Out Process, Part 2. The task for this email is to learn the distinction between powerlessness and conflict, and explore the options.

The MESSAGE of Powerlessness (The Familiarity of Pain from Your Past)

The second choice is that of distinguishing whether the issue is that of your own powerlessness, or that the behavior of the other has truly been inappropriate. This distinction is available because you can now think more clearly, but may require additional learning. I suggest you return to the John James Game Plan (Email #10), for it is here that you can practice recognizing “this feels familiar” (question #8). Powerlessness is recognized by emotional pain familiar from your past, indicating the surfacing of unresolved issues, buried perhaps for years.

As indicated in Email #08, if there is any significant degree of familiarity, deal with this first, at least in part, before approaching the other. I normally allow up to ten minutes for energy release, and another ten for processing, before I return to the conflict scene (which I must do — so as to satisfy the requirements of the time out). To the extent that the issues are familiar, I apologize, and indicate that I am determined to settle these old issues so as to continue to be in relationship.

Depending on the skills developed in the preceding emails, much of this work may already have been done. Or — you may need to deepen the process by working with a good therapist, someone who will assist you in further skill development, not just tell you what you should do.

The MESSAGE of True Conflict (The Other Is Inappropriate: Lies, Broken Promises, et cetera)

There are essentially four options in responding to conflict:

1. I can forgive — simply let it go (see Email #24 for the options of EFT).
2. We can cooperate — we are not stupid; we can always find a resolution eventually.
   • Because I can manage my energy, I can always choose to cooperate — I don’t have to like it! I choose it because I want resolution. Essentials include:
     • Keep my word — if I say I will do something, I do it — or I re-negotiate!
     • I explore what actions we need for resolution, not what we believe is true.

3. One of us can violate the other! If the violation is physical, leave (when safe)!
   • This is the one situation where I tell someone what to do — it is too dangerous!
4. We do not cooperate! I always choose cooperation as my first choice (unless physical violations exist); it is also my second choice unless repeated violations occur!
   • the basic problem is that non-cooperation always risks ending the relationship.

There are two ways in which I can express myself in conflict:

• directly in relationship with another person — this can be painful, but is almost always healthy if the energy has already been released. You are being honest, stating “this is who I am,” and potentially asking “and who are you?”
• indirectly, into the third limb of the triangle — likely unhealthy.

There are six ways I can respond:

1. I can leave! A useful response if I know how to manage the issues, and simply no longer wish to deal with them.
2. leave (create geographic distance), and release my energy. Always useful.
3. leave, and plan my return. Always useful.
4. I can extend love and forgiveness into relationship (useful if no violations exist).
5. I can extend clarity by studying the emotional issues underlying the conflict. Useful.
6. I can play — the most complex skill! It is a profound skill!

Some thoughts (please reflect on them carefully):

• leaving, especially to release and/or plan, are always a useful option.
  • Plan at least three different responses for the return.
• the conflict is not the relationship! The goal of good communication is to go on feeling good about the other while resolving the differences!
  • extending love and clarity are useful in cooperative conflict.
  • It helps immensely to explore what we like about and want from each other before we argue about what we don’t like!
• being playful is most useful in non-cooperative conflict.
  • tyranny is not susceptible to reason. Leaving is the best option when violations exist; the other may escalate dangerously if opposed, especially if challenged by playful interventions.
  • in non-cooperative conflict, I seek a resolution that works for me, without violation of the other. The other may not like my resolution! They may escalate. Safety is mandatory!
    • in true playfulness, I want to be in a state of wonder as to what will happen if I do ‘X.’ As such, I have no anxiety of the other, even if they escalate — the other must deal with their own issues.

Coming next: Problem Solving